There seem to be a lot of mosquitoes tonight, reminding me that I should hang up a mosquito net. Surprisingly, there is also a fellow insomniac.
Love, for me, is a luxury. I have never experienced being loved or loving someone in the past. So the more I lack it, the more I long for it. I have also defined my own exclusive love in my heart. I have imagined many things about my other half and even searched for them based on those imaginations. But I have not found that perfectly beautiful love in my heart. What I have found mostly is pain, sighs, and helplessness.
I used to be a carefree young person, pursuing the ideal of love. What's wrong with that? Why do I have to endure hurt and indifference? The beauty I anticipated has never appeared, but I have been repeatedly disappointed.
Injured by love, seeking love for healing. Later on, for a period of time, the reason why I longed for love was simply to use someone else's love to heal the wounds I have suffered. However, even though I tried to interact with people of different personalities, the answer I eventually found was: we are not compatible.
I never thought that studying psychology was to peek into other people's souls, but rather to heal myself. Everyone has some degree of trauma in their hearts, and some people easily recover and forget with someone to love and care for them. But I am alone, and I can only become stronger in order to not be consumed by pain.
After I believed in the Lord, I have been praying to Him and even arguing with Him. Why is it that others can easily obtain love, while no matter how sincere I am, I cannot?
After I believed in the Lord, I presented every relationship before Him, asking Him to choose. The previous relationship was with someone who didn't believe, so I begged the Lord. I knew that I couldn't be with someone who didn't believe, but I asked for the Lord's blessing. If we couldn't be together this time, I would give up the idea of having love in this world. Thank the Lord, He chose someone who loves Him for me.
Your appearance was unexpected to me. I never thought that we would have so much communication. We can even joke together.
If you hadn't appeared this semester, I would have taken a long time to recover from the shadows of disappointment. I would have spent my time watching dramas and playing games every day. I never imagined a future together. I would have been online all day, looking at a long list of friends, not knowing who to talk to.
Because of your appearance, infinite vitality seems to have emerged in my ordinary and dull life. Because I no longer feel alone. There is still someone in this world who shares every day's joys and sorrows with me. I really have no other desires, how can I be too greedy? I have been lonely for too long, to the point where I have forgotten how to treat unexpected guests like you.
Forgive me for loving you more than you can bear, perhaps I unintentionally crossed a boundary. But I really want to have a girlfriend who is as lovely and understands my heart like you. It seems that without communicating with you, I unconsciously regarded you as the only person I love. However, I neglected your needs. You need someone who can be by your side. Regarding this point, I really can't fulfill it.
What I write, not many people actually read. But you finished reading it. Honestly, I am touched. Because the original intention of what I write is for the person I will love in the future to read. I hope that the future person can have a way to understand me, not just based on my appearance and status. Although many things I have experienced alone, I want to share these private experiences with her. I once secretly thought that someone would read what I write. And if they are interested, they must be my future partner. This idea may be a bit hasty, but over the years, many people have read it, but only you read it from beginning to end. Actually, I don't really believe that you would read it, because it seems that you are not an artistic young woman. Actually, I had a certain positioning for the future person, at least she should be an artistic young woman, able to write poetry and learn music. But at least you know music.
So, when you finished reading my journal that day, I was really shocked. I immediately said a prayer in my heart, and from that day on, your name appeared on my prayer list.
Did I not consider what you are considering? At that time, I complained to the Lord a bit, why didn't He give me a sister who is closer to me instead of a long-distance sister. I didn't want my first emotional experience to be a long-distance one. But I think this is the beauty of the Lord's plan, because being separated by distance can preserve each other's purity. It can also test each other and not hinder each other's lives, not impede spiritual growth because of a romantic relationship. So in the end, I gave up my complaints.
Maybe I thought too simply, thinking that love only requires longing in the heart. Because the spark of love often only lasts for a moment, I hope my love can burn slowly, not seeking grandeur, but desiring longevity. So, I don't mind time and distance, and I don't mind that you and I have not officially become boyfriend and girlfriend. The title of boyfriend and girlfriend actually implies a responsibility and a limitation. It is like a rope tying the hands of two people. I once thought about establishing our relationship because I really don't have much security. But later on, I thought, I was originally a lonely person, and now someone is willing to accompany me for a while, why should I use a rope to bind her and not let her go?
For you, it's the same. Treat me as a passing traveler in your life. I come, bringing joy. I leave, without causing disturbance.
There are quite a lot of mosquitoes tonight (I should hang up a mosquito net tomorrow).
I heard that if a person can't sleep, it's because they have appeared in someone's dream. Have you dreamed of me?